“I don’t think I’m really listening unless I’m willing to be changed by the other person” – Alan Alda
I’ve been thinking about listening a lot lately. It seems to me that the skill of listening is much needed right now. The above quote, from Alan Alda is profound. It makes me wonder how often I am willing to be changed by listening to someone. It’s not easy to do, particularly when it comes to listening to “the other”, someone who is different, or even holds a different view than I do. The truth is, it’s easier, or at least feels easier to stay holed up in the echoing chamber of my silo on any given issue than to make the effort to listen. It’s easier to pop my head out long enough to lob a grenade via social media or to take a passive aggressive approach and just sit in my silo ranting to everyone else who agrees with me.
I wonder what might change if I was willing to make the effort to listen? I wonder if you’d be willing to join me in some experiments in listening?
- The next time someone says something on social media I/you don’t like, rather than calling them out on social media or unfriending them, what would it look like to call them up. If they are in the same town, ask to meet with them. Go into the conversation without an agenda of trying to persuade them or tell them they are wrong. Instead, be curious. Listen to try to understand their point of view. What’s their story? What led them to their view? Be intentional about staying engaged in the conversation rather than shutting down.
- Spend a day (if you are a real talker, try a shorter time frame). Be intentional about listening. Speak, if you are spoken too, but otherwise, listen and ask questions to those you come in contact with. Be curious about them. As you practice, be curious about what surfaces in you. Are you uncomfortable with silence? At the end of the time, take time to reflect on what you learned about others and about yourself.
- The following is practice I read in an article the other day. Before you speak, pause for a breath. Notice what you feel in that moment. Note whether anyone noticed this practice.
- Read with intention. Note what you feel as you read or listen to news. Are you you listening with a pre-disposition to agree or disagree? Read/listen to words used. Be curious about the author/speaker’s point of view. Consider if there is a different point of view. Practice listening/reading to different points of view and notice words used and how it makes you feel in the moment. Be curious about what that tells you about yourself.
I’m no expert. These are just a couple of things I’ve been thinking about and I thought I’d see if anyone wanted to join me in practicing listening and being curious. I would love to hear from you if you have practices you’ve tried and what you’ve learned.