Yesterday, my best friend’s mom gave her a handkerchief that had belonged to her grandmother. Her mother gave it to her so that when she got married she would have something old. My friend was grateful and frustrated at the same time. I didn’t have to ask why because I understood completely. I responded, “at least she said ‘when’ and not ‘if.’
Being a thirty something single adult even in this age of independence and exploration has its difficulties. Well meaning friends and family offer “hope” and “advice”, not realizing that more often than not, the effect is negative. Speaking for myself, at least, the hope and advice makes us feel like we are a failure in that aspect of our lives. Sometimes, it’s better to leave things unsaid.
It does not help that there are untold numbers of books for singles about how to find your match that include what to do and what you are obviously doing wrong including that you are being too picky. First of all, I have one requirement–that He has a heart for God. No doubt there are other things that I find attractive like a sense of humor. I have been known to fall into complete crush on a guy that I have not been previously attracted to, who opens up about his faith in God. I don’t think this one requirement is being picky. Secondly, the number of opportunities I have had to be picky in the first place are slim to nothing.
According to the books, I’m not putting enough effort into it. They write like there’s a formula that you can follow and “Viola” find yourself married. Some say chase, others say don’t. People I know also have theories as to why I am still single. In the last month, it has come down to me looking angry at the time. I find this humorous. My friends don’t believe it. I am willing to concede that I have an intense expression when I am focused on a task and I probably don’t smile as much as I should. I have also discovered that I am intimidating. One thing I have never believed I could be is intimidating. Apparently having a Master’s Degree from a Seminary and being so “holy” is scary. This makes me laugh too because if you know me, you know my faults. If you know me really well, you know the things I struggle with are not pretty.
Add to these theories my weight, not being a girly-girl etc and maybe I just wasn’t meant to be married. Theories, books and self-help. I think you can get bogged down and lost in these. I think they can be of some help, but I think you have to read them as you are reading God’s word so that you can see yourself through HIS eyes. Truth? I do want to be married someday. I think the more important question for singles to face is whether you can trust God even if that dream doesn’t come true. Can I trust God for what He has for me now and seek to live out His purpose for my life right now. Can I find contentment in my circumstances as they are? If you can’t answer this question in a positive way, don’t think that getting married is going to solve all your problems.
This was much longer than I intended, but has been on my heart this week, so I guess it needed to be said. Let me close with this, I have not given up on being married some day. For now, I am just a single adult learning to live my life in integrity and faith and discovering that God is honoring and using this for His purpose. What more can I ask for?
wow…you amaze and inspire me with your transparency and truth. i know you have blessed my life over the past 10 years. God saw fit to bring me into a family that let’s me feel and be real and for that i am so thankful. you are a blessing to me and i can so grateful that my boys will have an aunt to look up to that can show them how to love God and serve Him with gladness. You are loved!