Last year, when I first started looking for a job, I thought I would use some of my free time to write. Writing is something I have always enjoyed, but don’t do very much. A year went by and I didn’t write much.
A few weeks ago, I was reading a novel where the character was writing. I have also been hearing a lot about the process that one of my best friend’s dad had been going through writing about book about navigating healthcare for his wife who had a stroke. Then, Tanya, one of my new friends, started reading my blog. She said I was a good writer and wondered if I had ever done anything more.
This confluence of events and a further discussion with Tanya led me to the determination that what was holding me back was that I felt like I had to have an end goal in mind. After talking with Tanya, I decided just to start writing. I have mostly been writing about experiences growing up in Africa. I have a lot of things in mind, but this is where it is beginning.
I am having more fun. I was telling Aunt Sandy, who has always advocated for my writing that the statement Eric Liddel made in the movie Chariots of Fire comes to mind. “God made me for a purpose, but when I run, I feel God’s pleasure.” When I write, I feel alive. Writing about Nigeria has led to conversations with Dad that I am thoroughly enjoying. I’m also learning things about my parents and growing up.
The truth is that what often holds me back from things is that I think I must have the end goal in mind. This is what I have been taught. I think that works for some people. It doesn’t work for me. It also causes a great deal of conflict between me and God. He keeps telling me to trust Him and that He has purpose in this wait. I keep saying “yes, but I should have a job. To be successful, I should be “here”, wherever that is. He reminds me that He has a purpose and plan for my life. I may be a failure in the eyes of the world because I don’t have a five-year plan. This is my constant tug of war with God. I want to trust Him, but I also want to be seen as responsible and successful. When will I learn that He is enough.